Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons

I was thinking about this some time ago, but as my blog posts are somewhat lengthy to begin with, I thought I should only post one thought at a time.

I will begin by saying I am not a scientist. I do not enjoy science though people think it’s strange I love math but not science. Math is beautiful. Science is ... bla. Anyway, all that is to say this post may offend some people. Some people are very protective about their field and do not appreciate jokes or references to the thing they do every day and take much too seriously. I probably have my own faults, so you can pray I would identify them and receive God’s grace to destroy them.

For example, some people are highly offended when you tell them a cat is a liquid. Cats conform to the shape of their container. Particularly notable is the cat at two minutes, but the rest is worth the watch. 

It’s hilarious. But if you are offended, you may wish to read no farther.

During the spring semester, one of my best friends pulled me aside because she needed to lecture me. She told me I found my identity in boys. I didn’t believe her. I was just heartbroken and didn’t think she understood me and could never see anything in my life unless I saw it first. I still have that mentality, but am learning that it’s a lie. Sometime during my time in Alaska, I sat on the floor and prayed earnestly for God to remove the boy drama from my life. There are more important things to deal with, and the boy drama is just drama. It’s a thing that’s not really a thing, it’s just emotions that spin in circles and never let me rest. Boring. Stupid. Obnoxious.

I went to Elevate and boy drama evaporated. In the face of healing and deep pain, it vanished into thin air like the maritime layer at mid-day. After my sincere prayer, God showed me I'd been putting boys in the center of my life when they were only electrons orbiting around a nucleus. I'd been focusing on them, putting all my time and effort into a husband who may or may not come and who definitely would not satisfy. I’d been worrying about it and hoping for it and looking for it around every corner when I could just focus on the nucleus, the thing that actually mattered, and find some peace. Jesus is the nucleus. He matters.

Speaking of which, I need more Jesus in my life. A friend of mine was a nun for six months and has something I do not. She has more Jesus. I talked with her in the spring and I wanted what she has. I hoped that going to a convent and being an honorary nun would make me like that. I hoped Jesus would be my prize if I secluded myself. It’s not true. A convent can’t give me more Jesus. Resonate promised if I went to Elevate, I would get more Jesus. It’s a lie. Elevate is more of Elevate, not more of Jesus. Going to church and bible study, even going to bible study every night of the week, cannot give me more Jesus. Only Jesus can give me more Jesus. I was disappointed in Elevate because they promised to give me something they could not deliver. They could point me in all the right directions and give me all the tools, but they could never give me Jesus. I must go to him and ask for more. I must spend time in his presence. I must listen to him.

I put Elevate on a pedestal. I made it an idol. I put my hope in it, and when I woke up I realized it left me empty. It had nothing to offer. Jesus has everything to offer. Jesus is the nucleus. Elevate is an electron. And as we know, electrons have a negative charge. If you center your life on an electron, your life will be negative indeed.

Things to pray for:

I have a job! It’s full time and a regular hours and they feed me! And a job means I can buy a bike! I’m so happy!

I'm not sure what God has for me here. I feel a lot less stress than I did all summer, and I feel like I have time to rest and make a home for myself and settle in, but I don't want to settle in forever. Please pray I would not become lazy in my settling in, but would gain energy from the rest so I might go out into the world and do God's work. 

I don't know where I want to live. There are so many options.