God's Love as Green Arrows

You see, I have been (and still am) a rather insecure driver, and I hate turning left. Some years ago, I sat at a red light and said, “God, please let the arrow turn green, so I don’t have to cross these lanes of traffic.”

I prayed fervently as the cars drove toward me on one side and past me on the other. I prayed as the pedestrians walked in front of me. I prayed until the light turned green. A green arrow.

I started praying regularly for green arrows. Under every red light, I sat with my blinker ticking in the corner of my dash, and I asked God for a gift. And he often gave it. And as I prayed, he gave the gift with increasing frequency. I prayed at every left turn, until at every left turn, the arrow turned green.

I’m not as insecure about left turns as I used to be, but whenever I drive under a green arrow, I feel God’s love for me. He cares for more than just the big and bad things. He cares for more than death in the family and body-numbing depression and demonic nightmares. He also cares about owl calendars and free ice cream and heart shaped stones. And green arrows.

*

On my way to work, I drive up the four-lane highway and stop at a left turn. The stoplight is notorious. You can drive through north and south, often without stopping, but if you turn left, you’ll sit through at least three light cycles. The cars drive north and south. The cars drive east and west. The cars turn left from the east and left from the west. And then finally, after sitting almost endlessly, the arrow turns green just long enough to let two cars turn left from the south. I often watch cars continue turning as the arrow turns yellow and then red, riding on each other’s bumpers so they won’t have to wait through another set of light cycles.

Every day, I stop at that light. Sometimes, I see the green arrow up there in front of me, and I think, “Maybe today, more than two cars will make it.”

Every day, they don’t.

But this week was especially hard, and as I drove to work one day, I saw the green arrow ahead of me. It stayed green. Two cars went through. It stayed green. Two more cars went through. It stayed green.

I drove under that miraculous green arrow, and I felt God saying, “I looove yoooooooouuuuuuuuuu!”

 

Dear Christians,

If you are afraid of your spiritual gifts, if you haven’t practiced your gifts in ages, and if you live in a Christian culture that believes your gifts have ceased, you are like me. This letter is for you. 

Every day, the world around us becomes more spiritual. 

I walked into the bookstore to find a Bible. I found only two. In a whole bookshelf dedicated to religion and spirituality, they were tucked in the side like an afterthought. There beside them were spell books, dream dictionaries, and tips for connecting with supernatural energy. People read these books. People believe them. People live by them. 

*

I met a man who loves Jesus and believes the Bible. He shares Jesus wherever he goes. He practices every supernatural gift. He is bold. He powerful. He is unafraid. 

People are drawn to him because he proclaims the freedom and power of God’s abundant life. His friends, neighbors, and coworkers eagerly accept invitations to learn more, and his basketball buddies are offended when they realize he’s ditching practice for Bible study. They’re not mad because he’s a phenomenal basketball player. They’re mad he didn’t invite them. 

He’s in a cult.

He believes that Jesus is the son of God but not God himself. He has access to the original Greek but believes his ministry is the only one to interpret it correctly—that the apostles were deceived and their teachings and traditions are fatally flawed. He told me, “God is holy and God is spirit. God is holy spirit.” And in each one of us, there is a god, he said. A unique god for everyone—the holy spirit. And this holy spirit is his power source.

*

My reiki-certified neighbor practices on friends, family, and animals. She sees real results. She sits with the animals in the humane society and experiences their transformation. When she entered, they shook with fear. When she left, they lay down in peace. She offers her services for free though she could charge a fortune. 

Reiki practitioners are entering surgery rooms with medical doctors, and research shows success. Transplanted organs are better accepted under reiki. Pain is less. Anxiety is less. Recoveries are faster.

(Please do not mistake this as advice to practice or receive reiki. It may be spiritual power, but it does not come from God. While marginally effective, I don’t believe it is good or safe.)

*

I attend a church where most people believe the sign gifts have ceased. They think gifts like tongues, miracles, and prophecy have no place in our modern world. They are lovely people. They believe the Bible and God uses them to remind me to stay rooted in his Word. And when they say things like, “These gifts ceased with the apostles and their continuation is not supported in scripture,” it feels like they’re telling me I don’t exist. 

*

Over the past several months, I spoke with several friends who have the sign gifts. Each one said, “Oh yeah, I have _____ gift. But I haven’t used it in ages.” 

I’m just like them. I neglect my gifts.

How does this happen? How can the world be growing in spirituality while God’s children—the ones with the true power and the words of eternal life—are wilting?

I can’t answer for everyone, but I can share my story. 

I am lazy. It requires work to consistently listen to and obey God’s voice. It requires discipline to pray intentionally and absorb the Word for all it’s worth. It requires courage to continually step out of my comfort zone to places I’d rather avoid. 

You see, if my dreams and desires align with God’s will, why would he intervene? It’s only when my will differs from his that he speaks into my soul and directs me somewhere else. Somewhere I guarantee was not on my list of things I wanted to do. 

I am scared. God gives prophets impossible tasks. Like the prophet who went naked and barefoot for years. Like the one who lay on his side for months. He lay bound to prevent him from turning. And God sends prophets to nations with encouraging words like these, “Go. Speak to these people until the earth dissolves. They will hate you, and you will often fear for your life. They will not listen to you. They will not repent. They will not accept my love.” 

These words do not excite me. 

*

When I sat with my reiki neighbor and heard her stories of supernatural power, I understood that all around us, spiritual forces are awake and are gathering humans to themselves. The world is looking for Christ's supernatural power that lives in us. The world has found something else. It has turned to counterfeits because they were readily available, but those counterfeits cannot replicate God’s power. 

I went home and asked myself, “What am I doing in my life of indifference and laziness?”

And that is why I wrote this letter. Because I know that like Elijah, God has 7,000 others who are just like me—7,000 who need encouragement to wake up, go out, and live in the power God has gifted them. 

*

The world around us is becoming more spiritual every day, but their spiritual power has limitations. Does reiki have power? Sure. But WebMD insists it should never replace regular medical treatment. It’s an accompaniment. It can’t cure the core disease. If it helps at all, it’s only with symptoms like anxiety and recovery time. (Again, this is not a suggestion to try reiki.)

But what do we know about God’s power? Is it marginally effective? Is it incapable of curing core diseases? 

Ha!

Not only can the power of God instantly cure any core disease, but according to James 5:15, it can also forgive the sick person’s sins.

When Jesus walked on earth, he was not an accessory to scientific medicine. He opened blind eyes, lifted the paralyzed to their feet, and instantly restored twisted bones. Not to mention the fact that he brought a dead person back to life. And that he brought himself back to life. Can any other spiritual power do that?

And that is the power that is alive and well in us today.

So, this is my encouragement to you (and to myself).

Do you have the gift of healing? Heal. Speak God’s healing over everyone. Invite God into every sickness with humility and grace. Pray with sick people in love. Give the world your gift so it may be whole in body and whole in spirit. Let people know God's power is still alive and can still cure every disease. Let them know the counterfeits are mere shadows of the real thing. And always remember to pray in love, for as 1 Corinthians 13 says, if you neglect love, it would be better to do nothing at all.

Do you have the gift of tongues? Speak. Speak often. Speak boldly. The Spirit intercedes continually on our behalf. Join him there. Speak his words and offer His own prayers and petitions. Access the realm the rest of us cannot access and be the link between heaven and earth. Pray for the gift of interpretation, and pray for friends with the gift of interpretation, for through interpretation your gift encourages the entire body. Pray that God may use you to speak your neighbors’ native tongues. Pray that everyone would hear him in their heart language. And always remember to follow the boundaries of 1 Corinthians 14.

Do you have the gift of prophecy? Share. Share what God reveals. Share in humility and wisdom. Lift up and encourage the church with God’s words. Remember that you know nothing. God chose to reveal something through you, but you only have half of the story. The hearer holds the other half. Don't assume you know the message's interpretation. You don’t know how much correspondence has passed between God and your hearer. It is not you, but the hearer who determines if your words have meaning. Remember what 2 Peter said, that your words are not your own. They do not originate with you. And remember that you are nothing without love. 

And what if you don’t have these gifts? What are you to do? 

Well, I think you stumbled upon someone else’s mail, but that’s ok, because I have something to share with you too. You see, love is the greatest spiritual gift of all. It binds them all together in perfect unity.

Every gift is meaningless without love. In fact, any gift without love should be tossed into the fire. Without love, tongues are the party next door at 2am. Without love, prophecy is the dust underneath my shoe. Without love, martyrdom is the money I invested in the stock market only to watch it crash the next day.

Maybe the sign gifts look fancy for a moment, but they will pass away with the grass’s fleeting flowers. Prophecy is useless when everything is revealed. Tongues are meaningless when we all speak heaven’s language. Healing is a joke when everyone is whole. But love remains.

So, I urge you to follow the new command—the one that is also the old command you heard from the beginning. It is the greatest command of all. Love.  

By this the world will know we are Christ’s disciples, by the love we have for one another. So, let’s love. Let’s love those around us. Let’s pray for them. Let’s ask them if they’ve heard of the power of prayer. Let’s tell them stories of what God has done. Let’s give them no opportunity to slander us. Let’s lift up the hurting, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked. Not just with occasional donations. Let’s do this for the people we see every day. Let’s do this in our offices, in our neighborhoods, and in our grocery stores.

I love you. 

Let’s take back the world.

Surprised by the Greatest Gift

I thought I was cool because God gave me the gifts of prophecy, apostleship, and teaching. Paul says, “First of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers…” (1 Corinthians 12:28). I thought I was incredible.

But I’ve had a change of heart. My gifts are not as cool as I thought. Sure, they appear to be at the top of the list, but right after Paul says, “Eagerly desire the greater gifts,” he says, “And now I will show you the most excellent way” (1 Corinthians 12:31). The gift he is about to describe is more important than all the ones he just mentioned.

I first began understanding this several years ago as I waited in a coffee shop. A lady was very late to help me with my spiritual gifts. After waiting a good half hour, I turned to Jesus.

“I guess I idolized a human again when I should have turned to you. Will you help me with my spiritual gifts?”

And I opened my Bible.

I wasn’t sure where to look, but as I flipped through the New Testament, I found some headings related to spiritual gifts starting in 1 Corinthians 12. I read straight through to the end of 14. When I reached 1 Corinthians 13:4, I was dumbfounded. I’d heard the love chapter at many weddings and thought Paul was describing a successful marriage. But he was not. He was telling us how to use our gifts. He was telling us the most excellent way, the gift that is greater than every other gift.

1 Corinthians 13 New International Beth Version

If you speak with the tongues of men and of angels, that’s pretty cool. I also speak in tongues. I love speaking in tongues. I wish everyone spoke in tongues (1 Corinthians 14:5). But if I were to use this gift of tongues without love, it would be better to remain silent. You see, when someone uses the gift of tongues without love, it is like going into the middle of the street and banging on a cymbal for no reason. It’s loud and annoying to everyone. It benefits no one.

If you have the gift of prophecy, that is wonderful. If you can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, you are richly blessed. These are some of the greatest gifts God bestows on his church (1 Corinthians 12:28). If you have faith that moves mountains, you will see a lot of cool things happen in your lifetime. You will see the earth change and healings happen and miracles astonish. You have power and influence in the Kingdom of Heaven, but only if you use these gifts in love. If you prophecy or understand or have faith without love, you are nothing. Nothing at all. You are like dust on the sidewalk that is good only to be swept up and carried away.

If you give all you possess to the poor, they will have more than they did. But sometimes, your gifts offend the poor. Sometimes they don’t want your money or your old clothes. Sometimes they want something else. Sometimes they want love. If you give your body to the flames or in some other way suffer as a martyr, you will experience a lot of pain for Jesus’ sake. But if you give up house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or anything else, you may or may not receive a hundredfold in heaven (Mark 10:29-30). You see, on the last day, the quality of our gifts will be tested (1 Corinthians 3:10-15). The root of our actions will be weighed. If the fire exposes the loveless quality of our work, we gain nothing.

Love is… well, you’ve heard it before.

Love never fails. Remember when I said I’d show you the most excellent gift (1 Corinthians 12:31)? The most excellent gift is love. It never fails. It is never forgotten. It continues when everything else passes away. You see, prophecies are only good for a time. Their purpose is to build up the church and bring unbelievers into the body (1 Corinthians 14:23-25). But when we stand before the throne, there will be no unbelievers. Prophecy will not benefit anyone.

Where there are tongues, they will pass away. The gift of tongues, given in one since to cross cultural barriers and bring people into the Kingdom, will be useless when every tribe, language, and people is found before the throne (Revelation 7:9).

Where there is knowledge, it will pass away. A time will come when no one will say to his neighbor, “Know God,” because everyone will know God (Jeremiah 31:34).

Now we know in part, and we prophesy in part. Any prophet can tell you that. Prophets don’t get the whole story. They are only given a piece of the puzzle. God speaks to them in parables and riddles (Numbers 12:6-8). But when we stand before God—the complete puzzle, the moral of our parables, and the answer to our riddles—who will want to hear half understood mysteries?

To say it in another way, our gifts are given for the building up of the body (Ephesians 4:11-16). But when the body is built, what good are the tools?

When I was a child and knew nothing about following Jesus, I thought like a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. I lived like the earth was all there was. But when I became a man, when I began to follow Jesus, I put my childish ways behind me. I lived with the responsibilities of walking in the Spirit. I obeyed my King and worked to serve him alone. And now, as I live on this earth and further the Kingdom, I see hope and healing stealing the hearts of men. It’s beautiful. But it’s only the faintest reflection of what we will see in heaven. In heaven, we will see fully. We will see things as they really are. There will be no veil to separate us from the fullness of the glory of God. We will know him even as he already fully knows us (1 John 3:2).

What then remains when everything else passes away? Three things remain.

1.      Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1).

2.      Hope never disappoints. It comes from character, which comes from perseverance, which comes from suffering (Romans 5:3-5).

3.      Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Love always trusts, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love is the greatest gift. Eagerly desire it (1 Corinthians 12:31).

Love is a big deal. All the other spiritual gifts are mockeries in comparison. Love is so wonderful God used an entire chapter to explain how far it surpasses every other good thing he gave us.

When I wandered into a church and someone offered to help me with all my problems ever, it was a love I hadn’t known. Before that, if I wanted something I had to fight for it. People would not make time for me. People could not help me. People were too busy making disciples to invest in someone who was already a follower of Jesus. At least that’s how it felt. (Even so, my old church gets a lot of things right and God is doing amazing things through them and they are wonderful. Every Bible believing, Jesus loving church is killing it in some ways and failing in others. I think we could all learn a lot from each other.)

But in this new church, people invite me to parties, reach out to me specifically, follow up with me to make sure I don’t forget, help me, listen to me cry without getting tired of me, don’t expect anything in return, don’t give up on me, don’t forget about me, don’t leave me out, notice if I am missing, and value me simply because I am made in the image of God. I don’t know how they have time to value me. It’s like they actually like me.

And the funny thing is, I’ve never heard these pastors talk about the charismatic gifts. I actually get the feeling they don’t quite understand me. As far as I can tell they have no understanding, experience, or instruction on how to practice prophecy or discern spirits. But they are astonishingly kind. I am continually astonished by their kindness. They love. They have the greatest gift down, and all the other gifts are useless without it. They can teach me to use my gifts because they can teach me how to love like Jesus does, and if I have love, everything else will follow. 

I’m sure some people will say, “But speaking in tongues is the mark of a believer! That church is full of godless heathens!” And I would say no. Love is the mark of a believer. If you want to know if someone is a Christian, look at the way they love.

Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 15:35). God is love (1 John 4:7-8). If we walk in him, we walk in love. If we say we walk in him but do not love, we lie (1 John 2:4-6, 10-11). Jesus’ love far surpasses any love we can imagine (John 15:13). His love is greater. His love is higher. His love is deeper. If we abide in him and he abides in us, love is the fruit (John 15:1-10).

If we are to eagerly desire the greater gifts, and love is the greatest, how do we get love?

Jesus.

We get love by getting Jesus. We get love by confessing with our hearts that Jesus is Lord, obeying him because we know his way is best, and believing in our hearts that he did not remain dead but is alive and seated at the right hand of God, willing to give life to anyone who asks (Romans 10:9).

Things to pray for:

I'm not very good at loving. Pray that God's love would saturate me and compel me to live like Jesus. 

Is Jesus Enough When Everything Hurts?

Story 1 of 2

I’ve been alone a lot, and not just from singleness. I had no one to go to. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to do things with.

I wandered around alone. I went on adventures alone. I church shopped alone.

It’s hard being alone. It’s hard going to a new place without knowing anyone. It’s hard when you invite your friends but end up without a single adventure buddy.

The other day, someone asked if God was sufficient.

“No. God is not sufficient,” I said, “Well, he is sufficient, but he never satisfies. Having Jesus and nothing else is like wanting a meal and getting a clif bar.”

Having Jesus and only Jesus is like wandering around in the desert for forty years with nothing to eat but manna. Manna for breakfast. Manna for lunch. Manna for dinner. It was good the first day, but after that it tasted like cardboard. For forty years.

If we ask for quail, we get a plague. If we contemplate returning to Egypt, we get a death in the desert. If we grumble against our leaders, we get poisonous snakes. 

Jesus is our daily bread. He is the thing that sustains us. We get Jesus every day, and he provides the nutrients we need to continue for 24 hours.

And I have seen innumerable miraculous provisions in all my lonely wanderings. 

Jesus is faithful and always provides. And sometimes, Jesus is the only thing we get.

Sometimes when we decide to follow Jesus, things get better. We have joy and freedom and new friends.

And other times we get Jesus and are wrongly imprisoned. Sometimes we get Jesus and cry every month because the excruciating pain reminds us we are still not pregnant. Sometimes we get Jesus and cry every day because we are still single. Sometimes we get Jesus and wonder why he ordained sexual abuse. Sometimes we get Jesus and grieve because God didn’t heal the cancer.

If God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose, what good could possibly come from this? All we see is the pain. And the pain goes on and on.

But we have Jesus. Is that enough?

Story 2 of 2

Once, there was a God of the universe. He hovered over the waters for days, years, or centuries before time began and thought of his perfect creation, man. He thought of all the wonderful things he would give man. He thought of plants and animals and wind and oceans and planets and stars and changing seasons and harvest and flowers and mysteries and raw materials and immeasurable space to explore.

And then he did it.

He created everything. He created a masterpiece because he loved man and wanted to give him a wonderful gift. He crafted beauty unthought-of and breathed galaxies full of light--all for his crown creation, man. 

And man looked at God and said, “No thanks. I’ll live without you.”

And in that moment, an impassible gulf rose between man and God, and God’s heart broke. His heart broke, not because of the vast indescribable rudeness of being forsaken by the object of his affection, but because he would no longer be able to share life with man.

He wanted to be with us.

We walked away.

So what did God do?

He had every comfort and security. He had all power. He knew all things. He had innumerable servants to supply his every wish. He had strength and authority over legions of mighty warriors. He had entertainment always within grasp. He had subjects who always wanted to be with him. And what did he do?

He left it all behind.

He stepped down from his throne. He played into the enemy’s hand with eyes wide open. He walked away from eternal praise. He walked away from power and affection. He walked away from servants and honor. He went from the God of all power to an unformed embryo in the belly of a woman, one of the very ones who had abandoned him. He gave up knowledge and coordination and understanding and became a baby who knew nothing but the pain of hunger and the touch of a teenage mother.

God looked at us and said, “I want to be with man no matter the cost. I don’t care if they take away my comforts. I don’t care if they pester me and whine about everything. I don’t care if they don’t include me. I don’t care if they mock me. I don’t care if they reject me. I don’t care if they curse me to die alone at the hands of the cruelest nation in human history. It’s worth it. As long as I get to be with man, I will forgo every possible pleasure and comfort imaginable. Man is enough for me, and if that is all I get out of the bargain, I will call myself a winner.”

Jesus looks at each of us and says, “You are enough. If I have to live for the rest of eternity with nothing except for you, that is enough for me. If I wake up every day and you are my only friend, that is enough for me. If I have to go hungry to be with you, if I have to sit in prison to be with you, if I have to face sleepless nights to be with you, if I have to give up ever creating another being to be with you, if I have to pass through every kind of abuse to be with you, if I have to suffer from every disease in human history to be with you, that is enough for me.”

Things to pray for:

Love is a big deal. Please pray that I will be saturated with the love of God. 

I have been stuck in a rut for a long time of not building relationships or looking for opportunities to share the gospel. Please pray for help and direction getting back on track with the Great Commission. 

I Don't See Things the Way God Does

When I look at myself, all I see are my imperfections. I see my failures. I see the broken hearts of people who have looked to me for help and found I was unable to do anything for them. I see my own hurts from past relationships staring back at me. How could I have hurt you the same way I was hurt? How could I do such a thing?

People have come to me. People have looked to me. People have depended on me, and I was unable to support them, so I withdrew. Were they hurt by my actions? Did they look at me and say, “Why couldn’t you trust Jesus enough to love me like the Father?” I don’t know. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and crippled with insomnia. I never followed up with them to see if their lives fell apart after I disappeared. I guess Jesus took care of them when I couldn’t. Because he is always before the Father interceding on their behalf.

The very thing I want to do, I have not the power. The thing I don’t want to do, that is what I keep on doing. If I know the good I ought to do but do not do it, that is sin. Alas, who shall rescue me from this body of death?

In the same way, I have disappointed a lot of customers. They come to pick up their cakes and a cloud passes over their eyes. The very thing I wanted to do, please the customer, I failed to accomplish. And I fear that is my identity. I fear everyone will look at my work and feel disappointment. 

I met a friend a few weeks ago who looked at me and said, “God doesn’t see you the way you see yourself.”

I had an informal interview, a chat, with a man who knows everything about food. He wants me to work for him because I like to make beautiful food, and as he opened my portfolio I held my breath. Would he like them? Would he see every imperfection? Would disgust cross his face?

“Wow,” he said.

Wow? He actually liked them? He actually saw something beautiful? It’s one thing when my friends and family tell me my cakes are beautiful. They are obligated to think so. I never know if their judgements are true or come from a place of love for me, a place that thinks that everything I do is beautiful regardless of its quality. It’s another thing when the man who knows all about food says my cakes are so beautiful I should be on TV.

And what about God? How does God see me?

When God looks at me, he does not see my sins. Once, I was dressed in dirty rags, but he has given me white linen garments to wear. He has given me righteous acts to wear instead of the evil I’d worn before. He has washed me clean in the Blood of Jesus. The Blood poured over me, seeped through my skin, and changed my very DNA. It’s not just clean robes I wear. It’s not like underneath those robes is the same old filthy Beth. God doesn’t clean the outside of the cup and leave the inside dirty. He doesn’t whitewash his tombs. He resurrects the death from inside the tomb. He brings life when there was only death, and he leaves the tomb clean and tidy, nor forgetting to fold the wrapping that covered my dead face.

When God looks at me, he sees his favorite daughter (which, we are all his favorite). When God looks at me, he sees his treasure and the delight of his eyes. When God looks at me, he feels joy.

Things to Pray for:

I'm feeling very anxious about the things I feel God wants me to do. 

I also have some drama, maybe self created, that I'm not really sure what to do about. 

When Your Spiritual Gifts Make You Crazy

I grew up Southern Baptist. This means I learned to love, love, LOVE the bible. This means I learned to value sound doctrine. This means I learned to take everything anyone said back to the Bible and see if it were true. This also means that for roughly 25 years I believed in God’s theoretical ability to heal, speak to prophets, and move in tangibly miraculous ways, but I didn’t believe so practically.

Southern Baptists are great. I’m glad I learned to follow Jesus with them, and I don’t want to bash them. They get a lot of things right. They also miss some things. The church is a body, and if the whole body were an eye, the Southern Baptist understanding, where would the sense of hearing, charismatic gifts, be? If the whole body were an ear, charismatic understanding, where would the sense of smell, order and methodology, be? But there are many parts, and we need them all.

I was Southern Baptist for 27 years, all my life until God moved me to a non-Denominational church. As a Southern Baptist, you may wonder how I learned to exhibit charismatic gifts. You see, I have the gifts of prophecy, healing, and, well, something I couldn’t name three years ago. I’d never heard its name until four years after experiencing it. It is called discernment of spirits by the charismatic church, but my discernment is not the ability to judge wisely or know someone’s intentions. In fact, I am very bad at judging wisely and understanding intentions.

I tell you all this because Jesus is the best, as you will see.

Maybe you think I’m crazy, but that’s ok. Maybe you can see through those thoughts to see how awesome Jesus is, or maybe you can share this blog with someone who is like me, who thinks they are crazy and is afraid to use their gifts because they grew up believing the only people who exhibited such gifts were the crazies who had left the Bible and sound doctrine in a land far behind and jumped off the deep end into a wasteland of Godlessness. To those who are like me, who feel crazy and scared, I tell you, you are not alone. You are seen. You are known. You are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.

The first time I received a message from God was in 8^th grade. I was young enough to not be afraid of my gifts. I didn’t yet know their extent.

When I was a sophomore in college, God started telling me the future on a regular basis. He told me what songs we would sing in church that Sunday--nothing life changing. 

This makes me uncomfortable to tell you. You might say, “Maybe you heard someone on the worship team whistling the tune.” But this happened every week, and I know there are people like me, people who feel crazy.

When I was a junior in college I first discerned spirits. This was seven years ago. I discerned the spirit of suicide as a charismatic would. Being Southern Baptist, I had no idea what was happening. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted closure to my life. I wanted escape, and death was the open door. The overwhelming weight oppressed me. I felt smothered. I thought I was suicidal. And in the morning, my RA knocked on my door to let me know there was a student lying dead in the basketball court. He’d jumped off the building.

I was confused. I was scared. I’d believed these kinds of things were superstition, not real supernatural things God did in the world. And since then, I’ve felt depression weighing down on my coworkers, suicide coming for friends, and sudden bursts of fear as I walked past someone in the grocery store.

But what is the point of all this?

The point is I was Southern Baptist all this time. I had no access to teaching on these kinds of gifts. No one taught me to prophesy by placing me in front of another church member and asking me to reveal what God thought of them. No one preached on the charismatic gifts. No one took me on adventures of prayer and following Holy Spirit promptings. I had never experienced what the charismatics call Baptism of the Holy Spirit. The only Holy Spirit baptism I received was at the moment I decided to follow Jesus.

So how did I learn these things?

Jesus.

The anointing I have received from him is true and is no lie, and just as it has taught me, all I need to do is abide in him. 1 John says that. 

In the midst of my confusion and fear, I heard of the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I’d never heard of such a place before, but here was a place that would teach me to understand and walk in all the things that made me feel crazy and afraid. I wanted clarity. I wanted help. I wanted someone to tell me it was all going to be ok. This is normal. This is nothing to be afraid of. Jesus is the King of everything. He will move you to do the right thing. I wanted to feel rooted and built up in love. I didn’t want to feel blown and tossed about by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. So when I heard there was a place where I could be trained and instructed in all the things I didn’t understand but experienced, I applied.

And then I prayed.

“You don’t need to go to Bethel,” Jesus whispered to my soul, “At least not right now. Maybe not ever, but we'll talk about that later.”

That was several years ago, and now I better understand why Jesus said that. I didn't need to go to Bethel because I had the Holy Spirit. I didn’t need anyone to train me, I had Jesus. I didn’t need anyone to be in authority over me to clean up the messes I made as I was learning, I had the Father.

I don’t know everything yet. I’m still scared and confused. But a few weeks ago I asked Jesus to send me a mentor. I added a long list of traits I thought she should have, and that week she came to church. She came on a prompting from the Holy Spirit. She wanted to go somewhere else that morning, but Holy Spirit said, “No. Go to Bridge Bible Fellowship.” So she came. She told me her crazy stories. She told me she felt crazy. She was afraid I wouldn’t believe her. She was afraid I would reject her. How could I reject her? We are the same.

And that is why I write this blog. I’ve met many people who feel crazy. They feel crazy because they don’t understand their gifts or because they have been told their gifts are schizophrenia. But they are not crazy. They are experiencing the Holy Spirit, and they have the anointing that will teach them everything.

Do not be afraid. Jesus will take care of you. You may not know how to use your gifts. You may be like me and try to cut them off only to find that Jesus is still speaking to you at least once a week. Ha! He’s so awesome, to not give up on us like that. You may find yourself in strange situations where you feel inadequate, but the Holy Spirit is actually sufficient, even when he doesn’t feel like it. You are not alone. I’m right there with you.

I often feel like Elijah, alone on a mountain after receiving supernatural food that carried me here. I stand in the wind, earthquake, and fire, and look out on the vast desert around me. I hear the wind howl and it sounds as if it were saying, “Alone! Alone! You are alone! Abandoned! Alone!”

I sigh and sit down, defeated, but the voice of God comes in a gentle whisper.

“You are not alone. I have reserved 7,000 for myself. I have reserved a great cloud of witnesses who are all just like you.”

Thins to pray for:

I'm in a lot of turmoil. Please pray that I will know the right thing and do it. 

Entertaining Angels

I made a new friend. We decided to go on a Holy Spirit adventure, where we would meet up, pray, and follow God's promptings.

And then she got a fever.

Boo.

I suspected it was a spiritual attack fever, the kind that would go away if she stepped out of the house saying, “I won’t let this fever hold me back from having an adventure with the Holy Spirit.” But unsure of the origin and not wanting to sound forceful, I agreed to reschedule.

But Jesus is the best, and maybe this was a Holy Spirit fever. And even if it was a spiritual attack fever, Jesus used it for good.

In the end, I went on my own Holy Spirit adventure. I packed some books and journals and left the house. I drove to a church and sat on the front step and prayed. I couldn’t yet do the actual things of a Holy Spirit adventure, trusting God and taking uncomfortable risks, so I spent time working on myself, trying to work into a place of trust and obedience.

My plan was to complete the steps for spiritual gifts activation:

-Confess all known sins.

-Repent of any remaining sins.

-Trust Christ to forgive those sins.

-Commit every area of my life to the service of my King.

-Yield fully to God.

-Believe Jesus will empower me in new ways and equip me with new gifts (or reequip me) for His ministry.

-Invite Holy Spirit to come on me in power through praying to the Father in Jesus’ Name.

I didn’t get too far through this list before I paused. The barrier was too great. I could not overcome it. Maybe if I prayed with a friend, I could push every hindrance aside, but I was alone, because God was conforming all things to the purpose of his will.

And so I sat there. And I may have cried. And I journaled. And I looked at the blue sky. And I thought about how Captain Marvel just came out on Red Box, and I was dying to see it.

So I went and got it.

And I drove home and locked myself in my room and watched it.

Captain Marvel is the story of a girl living on an alien planet. She thinks she belongs there. She thinks she is loved. She thinks her ‘family’ has given her great and powerful gifts. She thinks they could take these gifts from her if they wished.

But this is all a lie.

In reality, she is trapped by the enemy in a land of bondage, and her powers are being suppressed.

But she’s pretty awesome, even with suppressed powers and hands bound. And she launches off on an adventure to a planet she doesn’t know is her home, to find out what she doesn’t know is her true origin story—she is filled with an all-powerful energy source that cannot be stopped by anything.

Ha!

And that’s me—the most powerful being in the universe (because I am covered in the Blood of the Lamb, filled with the Holy Spirit, and in direct communication with the Father). I was captured and trapped and tampered with until I no longer knew my identity, purpose, or power. I was trained to fight on the wrong side of the war and to obey the Enemy. And then something happened. I realized where my power came from and was released from bondage. I rebelled.

I’m not yet to the end of my story. If I am Captain Marvel, I am somewhere between realizing the enemy is lying and breaking away from the Supreme Intelligence. But as I watched Captain Marvel, I felt the Holy Spirit whispering to me, “This is what I have for you. I made you for power. I made you for freedom.”

It was the right kind of Holy Spirit adventure, the kind where my plans were never the real plan, but Holy Spirit's plans were far greater. 

Things to Pray for:

That I would enjoy reading the Bible.

How to be Free From Bitterness

It’s been a long time.

I was too busy, and then too bitter, and then too depressed to write anything, but God has been teaching me nonetheless.

In the midst of overwork and insomnia, I had some social drama at church and couldn’t bring myself to go back. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I couldn’t make myself go to church, and although I knew the right thing, I couldn’t do it.

So I went everywhere else. 

I went to churches in Spokane. I went to church with my family. I went to every other church in Moscow, worshiped, and left without talking to anyone.

One day, a pastor introduced himself. He made some small talk, and I mentioned my social drama. “I probably just need to get over my issues and go back.”

He suggested I meet with his wife, and she taught me how to get rid of bitterness.

Cool thing, the book she gave me about bitterness has a free PDF version online. Here it is for your reading pleasure.

http://ccmbooks.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Bitterness2010.pdf

Things to pray for:

Healing.

Change so I will begin once more to live the life God created me for. I lived it for a time, times, and half a time, but then curled up into a ball and said, “No more.”

Snowdrop Discipleship

I can’t say I’m right, but here it is.

My mom has always grown snowdrops. They are my favorite flower. They are the first flower to bloom in spring, and are closely followed by crocus. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. I don't remember why I liked it when I was young, but now I like it for the weather. You may think of spring as calm and peaceful with flowers pushing up through the dirt to a chorus of birds and violins. But that is not the weather you will find here. Here you will find snow in the morning, thunderstorms at noon, rain and hail at tea time, and sunshine at every interval. People call it bipolar. People say it can’t make up its mind. I fall in love every time.

But this is not about spring. Or maybe it is, but in a roundabout way. This is about discipleship. This is about snowdrops.

My mom has always had snowdrops, and they have been my favorite flowers for as long as I remember, with only crocus to compete. When we moved to our country home, I took over the underexplored wooded areas and claimed them as my own secret gardens. They had brush and fallen trees and, well, let’s just say there were a few smuggled snowdrops.

I took only a few at a time, maybe two or three bulbs, from my mom’s cluster of snowdrops. You see, bulbs multiply, so if you take one and leave one, pretty soon you will have two clusters of your favorite flower. I left plenty. I took several. I took them and planted them and waited a few years to watch them multiply and then thinned them out and waited some more.

A few weeks ago I visited my secret garden to find all the snowdrops blooming. Clusters filled my secret space, and there were more snowdrops than I remembered planting. When I went back to the house, I saw mom’s snowdrops. I must say, it was a sad sight. It was a small cluster. It was a ragged bunch. It was few, though they were not far between.

Later I thought about discipleship, and the tower of Babel. I thought about how we stay in our churches and complain about how no one is doing anything, and we make Christian friends and hang out with our Christian friends and have fun with our Christian friends.

But when you send one person away, say to a Muslim country, you find he has learned the language and made friends and those friends have decided to follow Jesus and have told their friends and family and they are having the first worship service in that language for who knows how long. You find when you break Christians up, they make more Christians. You find when you leave Christians together, you have about the same number of Christians. Sure, the Christians have babies and make new Christians out of them, but it’s nothing like separating the Christians and watching the Holy Spirit work.

And then I thought about the tower of Babel and church denominations. I wondered if we tend to band together, ignoring the Great Commission. We say, “Let us stay here and make a name for ourselves.” We forget Jesus commanded us to go to uncomfortable places and make His name famous. So Jesus comes down and changes our languages and we go our separate ways over tiny lines of doctrine and preference.

There it is, though I can't say I'm right.

Things to pray for:

Peace and efficiency as I enter graduation season. There is a lot of work to do.

Wisdom and peace to handle conflict well and to recover from stressful situations well.

Wisdom and guidance as I lead huddle, that I would be able to hear the heart of the girls in my huddle and would be able to point them to Jesus in healing ways.

I talked to a friend in East Asia the other day and now I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, if I need to leave the country. I think I've forgotten my dreams from years ago and have traded them in for the American dream. But comfort is not a very interesting dream.

Wisdom and grace to be in the world and not of it.

Probably I could just use a lot of wisdom.

What God Learns

I’ve always been confused. Does God learn? It seems so, but they say he's all knowing. 

He put man in the garden, right next to the tree, and then banished us so we’d never eat from it again. He allowed us to live long on the earth, and regretted our creation, flooding the world and limiting our days. He made beautiful, strong nations, and when they grew proud, he regretted them and destroyed them, never allowing another nation such glory. But if God’s heart broke over our evil, why allow it in the first place?

The easy answer is free will. But let's throw that out for a moment. It seems God has taken away our free will little by little. He limited our days, scattered our languages, and placed limits on how mighty nations could become. At each moment of incredible evil, he took away our capacity to return to such a state. That's why the question remains. Why did God allow evil in the first place?

Maybe because he loves us. Because he loves us enough to teach us. He loves us enough to allow our ancestors great capacity to sin. We look back at them and learn from their mistakes and never do such things again. He allows us to see the extent of our evil capabilities, and then to see the equivalent punishments. He allows us to see the capacities of Sodom and Gomorah, and teaches us to fear lest we become like them. We should not even long for evil or we'll be turned into pillars of salt. 

So no, God doesn’t learn. But we do. 

Things to pray for:

I'm starting a discipleship group this week with four girls. Please pray that God would give me wisdom and would teach these girls exactly who he has made them to be that they may build up the church in their unique capacities.

Wisdom for how I should act toward outsiders, that my words would always be gracious and seasoned with salt. For perseverance and endurance in the fight.

That I would rest well and honor God with my Sabbaths. That I would know what that means.

Unworthy?

I’m in two weddings this spring, and I don’t feel like I belong in either one. I don’t feel like the best friend of either bride. I don’t feel like I'm fun enough. I don't feel like I'm cool enough. I don't feel like I hang out enough with them to deserve a spot in their trains. All I do is work and sleep. I see each one twice a week, at Bible study, and when the three of us hang out to talk about life and Jesus. But why aren’t they in each other’s weddings? Why did they choose me instead of other friends they have more fun with and do daily life with and get so excited about antiquing with? Why am I the only unrelated bridesmaid? Why am I the only friend who gets to stand up there with the bride? Why did the other bride stop at nine when she could have invited at least one more, one who seems as important as I am?

And this is how I feel about God.

I don’t feel like I deserve to be his friend. I don’t feel like I deserve a spot on his throne. I don’t feel like I deserve the spiritual gifts he's given me. I feel like he made a mistake.

Are you sure you want me, an irresponsible human, to be in charge of this power? Are you sure you want me, the one who rebels against you repeatedly, to be your friend? Are you sure you want me, the one who can hardly take care of herself, to reach these people who hate you? Are you sure you want me, the one who never says the right things, to advise my coworkers? Are you sure you want me, the one who repeatedly draws away from you, to draw people to you?

But my opinion doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how I feel or what I think. God has given me the power, and he controls it. God has called me his friend, and he never lies. God has placed these people in my life, and he is the one who reaches them. God has gifted me, and he never makes mistakes. God speaks through me, and his words bring life. God has placed me in my work, and his plans are always good. 

Things to pray for:

I'm trying to figure out what the balance of life is--how much to work, how much to play, how much to sleep, and how much to be alone in introvetedness. It's not easy. And I'm trying to get enough sleep and not be stressed out all the time. I had a great weekend at a monastery, and I'm worried the effects will wear off. 

I've been approached to potentially lead a small Bible study with my church. I'm not sure if I have time or energy or enough responsibility (which are probably all excuses). Please pray for clarity. 

The Presence of God

The movie we watched Tuesday night reminded me of a story I wrote. In this story, Cinderella gets lost on the way to the ball and ends up in a strange mansion. She doesn’t know she’s the lost heir to the throne. She doesn’t know she’s found her biological family. She doesn’t know the power of her father or about the less than honorable men who frequent the house. She doesn’t know a werewolf guards her while she sleeps.

As I drove home from the movie, I realized my story’s flaws. The father is powerful. The five brothers dearly love their long lost sister. Sure, there may be less than honorable men lingering constantly around the house, but if any one of them even thought of harming the long lost princess, they would perish swiftly. She doesn’t need a werewolf to guard her. She doesn’t need to defend herself. She doesn’t need to lock her door at night.

I don’t need to be afraid when I sleep. I don’t need to be afraid when I wake. I don’t need to be afraid of any demons that wish to harm me. I am the daughter of the LORD. My Father is the first to know when any intend to harm me, and as all-powerful-all-present King of the universe, he opens his mouth and his breath destroys his enemies. The rumor of his coming sends them running.

In playground disputes, we said, “I’m going to tell my dad!” and no one cared. But in spiritual disputes, all the demons shudder at these words.

After work on Wednesday, I meant to run, but the radio story caught my attention. The angel of the Lord encamps about those who love him. I ran inside and turned on the radio in my room as I changed into running clothes. I intended to skip the end of the story in order to exercise but stood immovable as I listened to the terrors of a pastor lost in 2am New York.

At God’s word he talked to two sketchy men who then tried to kill him. But as soon as he cried out to Jesus, a truck pulled up with an angel in it. He didn’t recognize the angel, but the angel took the pastor miraculously back to his car and stayed with him until he was safe.

“It was a pleasure serving you,” the angel said.

And maybe that’s true. As God’s chosen people, maybe the angels delight in keeping us safe and guarding us from all kinds of unknown terrors.

So I finally ran, half an hour late. I ran down the quickly darkening road and into the fading light, not as afraid as I would have been. I didn’t run alone. I ran with a posse of angels at my back. I am never alone. I always go out in company. Dark gravel roads and coyote packs have nothing to say to me. 

Things to pray for:

I am working 4 day weeks with 5 days of work to get done. It's stressful. 

I am unfaithful and easily tire of the work God has for me. Pray that I would work to excel in the gifts that build up the church. 

A Dream

There was a barn. It was more like a shop barn than an animal barn, and it seemed kind of old and run down. There were several people there. There were more than 10, maybe close to 20. The ground was dirty and covered with straw. There was a big open door on one side. Maybe the door had broken off long ago and now was just an open hole. Maybe there never was a door. There was a smaller open door on one side. We were all preparing. Everyone picked up their weapons and I picked up two copper colored metal knitting needles. 

Everyone stayed in the barn, ready to defend that plot of land to the end, but I went out with my knitting needles a little way from the barn and stood, arm outstretched, and faced the enemy as they came pouring over the hill and around the chain link fence on the hilltop. I held out my knitting needle and said, “You may come this far, but you may come no farther in Jesus’ Name.”

I was unsure, low on faith and filled with doubt, but I stood my ground. Would this even work? There was nothing to stop the enemy in reality. There was only a single girl with a knitting needle standing up to defend her friends with words. 

The enemy came down, charging my invisible line, and charged through, but as soon as any of them crossed that line, they fell down dead. Arrows flew from the barn and killed them so they could not cross the line I had made. My friends would never be hurt because they were back from the line and the enemy could not approach them.

This same scene happened several times, getting ready for battle, going out and holding my knitting needles to draw a line, and watching the enemy fall when they reached it. Someone came with me with a sword. They came along to protect me and keep the enemy from destroying me while I held them back from my people. I took a sword to protect myself. Someone commanded a friend to come with me to protect me. I told other people about the knitting needles and we stood at right angles from each other to protect all sides of the barn. 

I think this dream is about prayer. 

Things to pray for:

Work is super stressful. They gave us all raises and then didn't allot enough money to our wage to pay us the difference so I'm only working 4 days a week. But I still have to get 5 days worth of work done.

I would really like to get enough sleep and not have headaches and feel rested every day.

I want to start ice skating regularly and try to engage people at the ice rink with Jesus. Please pray that God will bring someone along with me so I don't have to be alone.

Please pray for peace and clarity about what God wants me to do, that I can hear him clearly and differentiate between his voice and lies. And that I would submit to his will and follow him. 

The Way We Talk

Sometime in the past two weeks God convicted me about gossip. I talk about people far too often. People ask me, “What even is gossip?” Is it purely talking about other people? Is it something you wouldn’t say in front of a certain person? Is it saying anything negative?

Ephesians says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs so that it may benefit those who listen.” That covers quite a few things. I say plenty that does not build anyone up and does not benefit anyone who listens. Maybe it’s not gossip, but according to Ephesians it is unwholesome talk and should not come out of my mouth.

At Village a couple weeks ago someone said following Jesus is like studying for a test. You can study all the wrong answers to make sure you don’t put them down, or you can study the right answer a lot. We could discuss gossip for ages so that we don’t fall into it, or we could focus on how to speak like Jesus.

This verse in Ephesians tells us the right answer. We should say only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. And it tells us why it is the right answer—so that it may benefit not only myself and the person I’m talking to, but that it may benefit anyone who eavesdrops on our conversation.

Things to pray for:

That I would speak only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

Wisdom for life changes that may come in the near future.

Boldness and wisdom for sharing the gospel. What even is the gospel? I don’t know. I get confused because people have various strong opinions on what it is and how to share it. 

Continued healing.