Unworthy?

I’m in two weddings this spring, and I don’t feel like I belong in either one. I don’t feel like the best friend of either bride. I don’t feel like I'm fun enough. I don't feel like I'm cool enough. I don't feel like I hang out enough with them to deserve a spot in their trains. All I do is work and sleep. I see each one twice a week, at Bible study, and when the three of us hang out to talk about life and Jesus. But why aren’t they in each other’s weddings? Why did they choose me instead of other friends they have more fun with and do daily life with and get so excited about antiquing with? Why am I the only unrelated bridesmaid? Why am I the only friend who gets to stand up there with the bride? Why did the other bride stop at nine when she could have invited at least one more, one who seems as important as I am?

And this is how I feel about God.

I don’t feel like I deserve to be his friend. I don’t feel like I deserve a spot on his throne. I don’t feel like I deserve the spiritual gifts he's given me. I feel like he made a mistake.

Are you sure you want me, an irresponsible human, to be in charge of this power? Are you sure you want me, the one who rebels against you repeatedly, to be your friend? Are you sure you want me, the one who can hardly take care of herself, to reach these people who hate you? Are you sure you want me, the one who never says the right things, to advise my coworkers? Are you sure you want me, the one who repeatedly draws away from you, to draw people to you?

But my opinion doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how I feel or what I think. God has given me the power, and he controls it. God has called me his friend, and he never lies. God has placed these people in my life, and he is the one who reaches them. God has gifted me, and he never makes mistakes. God speaks through me, and his words bring life. God has placed me in my work, and his plans are always good. 

Things to pray for:

I'm trying to figure out what the balance of life is--how much to work, how much to play, how much to sleep, and how much to be alone in introvetedness. It's not easy. And I'm trying to get enough sleep and not be stressed out all the time. I had a great weekend at a monastery, and I'm worried the effects will wear off. 

I've been approached to potentially lead a small Bible study with my church. I'm not sure if I have time or energy or enough responsibility (which are probably all excuses). Please pray for clarity.