The End

Things are wrapping up. It’s been an interesting summer. It wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t anything I hoped for or wanted. It wasn’t what I paid for.

I learned Elevate is just like real life, just in a different location with annoying things like nasty smoothies and no Adam’s peanut butter. I tried fighting for what I needed, pounding on people’s doors to hang out with me when I needed them. But I remembered that God will always provide for me. He hears me as I sit on the sea wall and say, “Do you hear me? Do you see me? Are you there? Will you come to me? Will you fill someone with your spirit and send them to me?” And he hears and listens and cares and provides more abundantly than I can when I’m fighting for myself. I remembered I can sit back and let God fight for me. I remembered he is faithful. I remembered he loves me. I remembered I don’t have to rely on people. I don’t have to rely on Syria. I have already seen the Lord provide abundantly when I trust in him alone. The eyes of the Lord roam to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless before him. I have acted foolishly in this. It may be that from now on I will have wars. It may be that if I repent and turn my face back to him, he will relent from his fierce wrath. God forgave Nineveh. God pursued Israel more faithfully than Hosea pursued Gomer. God forgave the Roman soldiers who tortured him.

But maybe I only remembered that today.

So I’ll get on a plane in two days and go back to the Palouse and try to be the person I was. I’ll try to forget the things I’ve learned at Elevate, things like fight for yourself and take care of yourself and don’t let people use your clothes because you may not see them again and don’t let people use your shampoo because they’ll never pay you back for it and don’t let people infringe on your sleep because it will destroy your body forever.

I’ll cast my bread upon the waters, for God is faithful, and after many days he will bring it back to me. He may not bring it from the same spot in the river, but he will bring it nonetheless. I will care for one with abandon, but that one will not care for me the same way. That one will walk out of my life before reciprocation, but God will provide another to care for me with abandon. He himself will care for me with abandon. 

I never meant to wither. I wanted to grow tall, but like a fool left the river and watched my branches fall. Old and thirsty, I long for the flood to come back around to this cactus in the valley that’s about to tumble down. Wipe the mark of madness from my face. Tell me that your love will never change. If my yesterday is a disgrace, tell me that you still recall my name.

--Lights

There is not a man or a beast, nothing on the land or underneath. Nothing that can ever come between the love you have for me. I could lay my head in sheol. I could make my bed at the bottom of the darkest deep hole. There is not a place I can escape you. Your heart won’t stop coming after me.

--John Mark McMillan

So, what good came out of this summer? Healing. And maybe the healing was all worth it. After I defended, my room leader said I looked freer. When I talked to my best friend on the phone, she said I sounded “unemcumbered.” After I cried on the bathroom floor I thought, “I may wake up healed tomorrow, and I would be ok with that.”

God used Elevate despite my greatest efforts. I am Jonah. I didn’t want change. I didn’t want healing. But I showed up in the right place at the time God ordained and instead of watching a city’s destruction, I saw its redemption.

Things to pray for:

The transition to the Palouse will be rough at best.

I don’t know where God wants me to go. 75% of the youth ranches I applied to have called me back, but interviews have been sketchy. As in they haven’t really happened despite my efforts. My plan B is to apply to places in Spokane and possibly move up there, but I don’t know what God has for me. I know I will fall into his perfect plan no matter what I do, but I would like to just know what it is so I can walk in that direction confidently.

I’ve seen significant healing this summer, but I’m not finished yet. There are still things I have to do, and they may be the hardest yet. Please pray for grace to do the things I need to do so I may walk in full freedom. I won’t do them if I’m left on my own.