Dark Towers

My heart is like a glorious landscape under the dominion of Jesus, for I am covered by the blood of the lamb, and I was bought with a price. I belong wholly and completely to him. Nothing can change the fact that this land belongs to King Jesus.

But a funny thing happens in our hearts. We have the capacity to give away small plots of land to squatters who wish to build towers. Evil comes and says, "Here is a lie, believe this." And we sign a contract. We sign our name in blood at the bottom of the page and say, "Yes, you may inhabit this plot of land." Evil builds dark towers across the landscape, headquarters from which they emerge to wreak havoc or draw me farther from Jesus. There are many lies I believe. Here are a few.

April 2012—the day I met death. I lost the will to exercise. Why bother? It’s all going to burn anyway. The world is broken. We live under a curse. The curse chokes us. Why have a strong body? Why be able to run a mile? Why bike the hill? It’s too much work, and there is no reward in the end. We will all be buried just the same.

August 2015—the day I met heartbreak. I lost the will to put food in my body. Why bother? There’s no point to life anymore. Why prolong my life by feeding my body?

January 2016—the day I met gangs and drugs. They walked off the page of statistics as a real live person in front of me. I loved the person, and he vanished out of my life in a moment. He vanished without Jesus. He vanished back to his old life. I lost the will to sleep. Intense pain repelled the idea of rest. I spent every night staying up with friends doing one thing or another. I watched the clock tick later every night and knew I should be in bed. I couldn't bear the idea of being healthy enough or strong enough to feel the depth of pain. 

March 2016—the day I met rape. A friend walked up to me at church and said, “I was raped on Friday.” I lost the will to be alone. I am an introvert. People stress me out. I didn’t sleep at home anymore. I shared a twin bed with one of my best friends half of every week. The other half of the week I spent at my parent’s house or came home so late I crashed in bed without thinking of anything. Distraction won’t change anything, but it will distract.

As these covenants piled up I wondered, “What next? What other things will be taken away? What trauma will come and strip me of one more human characteristic? And when all the characteristics are stripped away? What will I be then?”

And why do I tell you so many depressing things?

Because God has the victory. I brought these lies before God. I asked him to shine light on them. I asked him to come in power and overtake the dark towers littering the landscape of my heart. And indeed, there is a worm at the heart of the towers, and that is why they will not stand. He came on his white horse with a tattoo on his leg and broke open the towers. He filled them with light. The lies had grown like dark tangles of weeds and vines in the towers, but as Jesus threw open the door and light flooded in, they shriveled and turned to ash. They hung for a moment in a shape resembling the tangled mess of weeds and vines before the wind of the Holy Spirit rushed in and the ash fell to the ground and vanished. 

King Jesus brought the gospel to the towers, and the lies withered before the truth. He viewed the contracts, the covenants I'd made with another. He took his own blood and wrote over my name, for he is the stronger power which releases me from the covenants I'd made with another. He threw open the windows and aired out the towers and they crumbled under the presence of light. 

The darkness vanished. The towers crumbled. Grass grew over them and I only know what they were because I remember the events which led to their creation.

And no, I never want to forget the pain or the trauma, for if I forget the pain, how can I remember the redeeming grace of God?

But praise God. Sometime in the past three weeks I realized, “I care to exercise. I care to put food in my body. I care to sleep. I care to be alone. Praise God.”

Things to pray for:

Boldness. Boldness to share the gospel and to step out in faith to follow God wherever he leads.

There are many other dark towers in my heart. God is faithful, and he is destroying them.