The Holy Spirit in Jars of Clay

Old dead guys are pretty cool. God used this one, Henry Nouwen, to tell me I put too much weight in relationships.

I already know God will always be there for me. No human has been there for me through everything. In fact, no one has been there for me consistently and in every moment I need them for more than 12 hours. I suppose my parents, who were there for me constantly when I was a baby, must be excluded from this, but I didn’t need much when I was a baby, and people ran to my side when I communicated my need even if they didn’t understand what my cries meant. But God has always been there for me. I’ve seen his face in so many people I couldn’t remember them all if I pondered for days. He’s always provided just the right person who knew just the right thing to say at just the right time. He’s put people in my life who look at me, and in a single conversation identify what is wrong and urge me out of it. I’ve seen God use a lot of fallen bodies to do his work in my life, and I know he will provide a random person wherever and whenever I need it.

And I’ve seen him provide solitude when I needed it most. He forces me to be alone when I would rather be with people, and in those moments he gives me himself, which is really what I wanted all along.

But anyway, the old dead guy told me when I love someone, the deepest part of me is loving the deepest part of the other person. God in me is loving the God in the other person. He told me that God uses the other person to show me how much he loves me, that he will be there for me and give me what I need when I need it. He will provide companionship and comfort. He will provide loving words and harsh ones. He will provide community and solitude at just the right time.

Sometimes I mistake the love of God, the thing I need, for the people, the conduit of that love. And that’s why I feel panicky leaving them behind as I go to Elevate. God has used the people of Pullman and Moscow to show me God’s love, but I have to remember that even without them in my life every day, God will still love me. He will still show me his love. He will introduce new random people at just the right moment, and he will use them to say, “I love you.”

Things to pray for:

Packing is a struggle. I may be at the point of just throwing everything in boxes and not worrying about labels or order or logic.

I need a job. I applied a few places and called a few places. There is a bike shop across from the hotel. I love bike shops. I often wander around in them for fun. A friend jokingly mentioned a bike shop date, and I in all seriousness would love it. I like the look of bikes. I like the smell of bikes. I like bike clothes and bike helmets and bike tires and new tubes and headlights and fenders and bike shoes and water bottles and new chains and derailleurs and allen wrenches and tire levers and handlebar tape. Among other things. So, I would like to work at the bike shop. Or wherever else. God’s plan is better than mine, but I’m going to ask for a bike shop job anyway.

I don’t have a very good attitude about Elevate.