The Management of God

Sometimes I try to follow God. Sometimes I feel like he is hyper controlling and dictating my every move.

“But I want to listen to Future of Forestry. I don’t want to listen to the radio today.”

Why do I think God cares about my music choice? 

Other people think it’s a big deal. They ask God what to wear. They go here or there against their primary desires. God directs every step of their feet every day. Do these people really hear God? I think so. Is it a relationship of love? Probably. If it is from God, it is love, but I have a lot of trouble when I try to live like them.  

When I try to live like them, I don’t feel love. I feel a micromanaging God who hovers over me looking to find fault and then bringing wrath on me when I’m not good enough. I see my coworker's ‘boyfriend’ who gets angry when she buys coffee without asking him and makes her pull over to the side of the highway and throw it out the window. I see him telling her she’s not good enough. Her shorts are too short. She can’t go to that party because other boys will be there. That picture on Instagram isn’t pretty enough. Change it. Change it now. What are you doing? Why aren’t you home? I told you to go straight home after work. You should be there by now. Are you disobeying me? If you don’t do exactly what I say, I will kill you.

“I’m not like that guy,” I felt God tell me while I decorated cakes. 

Maybe God is like my boss. She trusts that I work hard and make beautiful things. She never checks on me except to offer help. 

My coworker is bound in a relationship of fear to her 'boyfriend.' But God does not operate in fear. God operates in love. And love defeats fear every time. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I am in God’s eyes and find my worth in my work. 

“Be kind to yourself,” a friend told me Saturday night when I mentioned the chaotic things in my life. Death, abuse, suicide, eating disorders, cutting. What did I miss? Probably at least three things. There are so many things I forget at least half of them.

Be kind to yourself and remember that you are a precious child of God. You are a princess. You are adopted. You are chosen from before the creation of the world. You are gifted with every blessing in the heavenly realms. You are a daughter of the King of kings. You are a Princess of princesses. Yes, you were made from the dust of the ground. Yes you are a vessel of the Holy Spirit. But just because you are a vessel doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Just because you were made from the dust doesn’t mean you are plain or boring or ugly. There are beautiful things in the ground. There are precious metals and precious stones. And I am God’s portable treasure. I am the treasure he keeps with him always, like a letter from a lover tucked away next to his heart.

Things to pray for:

That I would know the love of God that surpasses knowledge that I may be filled to the fullness of the measure of God. And for peace and trust that I am secure in Christ.

Boldness and opportunity to share the gospel. And wisdom as I try to share the love of God with all the hurting people around me.

Continued healing. 

My spiritual gifts leave me very confused. I know I need to do something, but most of the time I have no idea what it is. Which is very stressful. I guess peace would be nice. And trust that God will make the work plain when it is time to work.